Elf Care Tip #2

After a hard day of labour, make sure your elf has a wholesome meal followed by some yoga, before you let him get into the hooch.   #Elfcare #Selfcare  #Balance  #Satire

 

man in red and green elf costume

Photo by Tim Savage on Pexels.com

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During a Bout of Millennial-titus Woman Writes Entire Resume in Hashtags (satire)

millenial-titus
Millennial-titus: symptoms may include swelling of the head, relating yourself to glitter, sparkles or unicorns, and overzealous use of hashtags. Am I old, jaded? Am I mourning the sunset of my youth, my uterus barren and tits sagging? Has my vag withered after cleaning up my husband’s giant rectal pile expulsed all over the bed, leaking to the mattress cover, but thankfully not onto the mattress? Yes, to all these things. But I digress. I love you millennials! I love that you’re so easy and yet so hard to please. I love your tight bodies and your energy (I’m going to siphon it from you somehow), your shame you, for shaming me attitude. Calling out people on social media and not in real life, and not knowing the difference between the two anymore. You truly are #special!

We go to church at Easter so we can experience an existential crisis as a family (Satire)

It’s that special time of year when we get to be morbid and confusing and think about the death and resurrection of the Easter bunny. Kids now a days are sheltered and don’t think about their mortality enough. So let’s pile in the car in our best impression of a normal family and put in our face time at the local rabbit hole. As we sit there I wonder, only 14 stations of the cross? I feel it could be drawn out a bit more. But still it’s pretty impressive they fit it all into an hour. Easter is also my favourite religious holiday to contemplate my awaiting eternal damnation. Christmas, AKA Santa’s birthday, comes in a close second. Is it getting hot in here? Why is everyone wearing their coats? Good Friday being a statutory holiday, means we can start our weekend binge drinking a day early, that’s whats good about it. So as you line the pews to save your soul and fulfill social obligation in a little over an hour, remember, a family that’s afraid together, stays together. family-kids-happy-people-46252